BATHTIME The bath is a most delightful place to wallow The warmth relaxes body, then face will follow I happily lie for hours there-in the hollow Luxury: water up to my chin -don't swallow- ALLERGY ALERT Runny eyes and runny noses, they are bad Blocked-up sinuses are equally as sad  But to someone not afflicted Sufferers just seem addicted To their pills and this allergy -Gee!- fad Some immune people are so unaware They behave as if they really couldn't care When their friends and family Suffer so from allergy "The symptom's in your head" they justly? jeer     CARTOONS     Why is it we watch those cartoons?     What is it about those buffoons?             They over-act and they're dumb             But we end up unglum     And we sing or we hum their trite tunes       The characters are often drawn     So simply, the artist we'd scorn               But the hero is still               Somehow able to fill     Our requirements with superfluous brawn     Each evening to armchairs we waddle      A cartoon can't be a role model                 So we laugh at a crook                And forget how we look      As we wallow in this wishful twaddle       And what of the great story line?    Any over-used plot will be fine                Retell any tale                Even beyond the pail     To regurgitation we seem to incline Gift Buying  Shopping for presents in the hot summer glare There is so much to do but where to start? Where?  So many  choices but none can compare  With the ones I imagined I would find there  Do you have this problem of planning so clear?  Only to find there is nothing like it or near?  So you wander around in a shopping daze and in fear  That you'll never find anything for  family this year  And finally settle, after a half hour stare  On  something that no one would ever wear  Like a set of socks in an unmatching pair  Or else a book on some boring career  But I really must stop grizzling and feeling severe  I'll have another chocolate and sip Christmas 'cheer'  A chocolate and some Bing Crosby 'White Christmas'flair  That ought to banish the blues to the rear  TAKE AWAYS Ah, take-aways : any will do  Just so long as I don't have to...  ...Cook a meal for my hungry crew  Oh, how I hate peeling and slicing And I abhor chopping and dicing  I also hate frying and grilling  Even roasting is so very unthrilling  But ready-made food,  yes indeed! I don't care about taste when I feed 'Though I gulp my food down with speed  You can't accuse me of greed Eating's a chore, that's what I say Eating food is what keeps me away  From my pc after work each day UNLIMITED USES Don't give me a razor For my chin or my nape The best hair removal Starts with duct tape Stick it on quickly Don't stop to think Rip it off even faster : As quick as a wink The tears in your eyes  And the blood curdling scream Will soon be forgotten With anaesthetic cream No hair-growth for weeks No bristles return When you rip out the roots And ignore the skin burn But if smooth-skinned is how You wish to appear Duct tape's not the answer : It removes skin with the hair !        DUCT TAPE REVERED Out-dated, yet it retains a fan The bandage still used by a "Man" Vintage and almost collectable Wrappable armour, tough but flexible A sliver of metal that protects And has qualities logic rejects (Being both silver and yet sensible) Idolised? Not incomprehensible ! Haircuts Here's a tale about my son Who grew his hair long, just for fun It got longer, with ringlet swirls (It's red and tends to make cute curls) He let it get down near his chin  It flopped in his eyes, hid his grin  Because he couldn't play like that  He went everywhere in a hat  I tried to cut a shorter style  But the result wiped off his smile  We'll have to pay a professional  And there my sins, confess, I will The hairdresser will say "Tut tut!" "It took me years to learn to cut"

GOING TO THE BIG SMOKE 'Though I'm a country bumpkin I'm sure it doesn't show I'm visiting the city In label clothes, you know I'll have my Levi jeans on Tick cap. Doc Marten boots I'll show those city slickers Who wear nothing else but suits I love those hotel lobbies So spacious and so cool I'll only stare a little bit And I won't even drool I'll have to go exploring Use the lifts and prowl the halls Peek in through the open doors Drive cleaners up the walls I'll relax in my hotel room With chocolate bars and beer Resorting to the restaurant When that tiny fridge is clear In the dining room so fancy I'll sip the good house wine Although it tastes like vinegar I'll pronounce that it is fine I'll do the shops the next day Try weird cafe food Buy heaps of label bargains Feeling thrilled at looking shrewd Although I'm from the country City folks won't realise I'll seem sophisticated 'Cos I'm so worldly-wise JUST A THOUGHT Should we ditch our PM for a President perhaps? Oops! not THAT word, it brings on a collapse- -In U.S. Americans, I just remembered (You ought to vote to have him dismembered) Do you remember this? I thought we would see Clinton's life on the net But it won't be today, on that you can bet They hinted about it but then said 'Not yet' The days of our lives in here aren't as wet I was wrong about the L. files when I said We wouldn't see them soon: Gossipers will be fed Every ugly, juicy detail for all to see I wonder what the Pres. has done recently? TO the U.S.A  You know what? I am fed up with C & L  Anything else in your lives? Do tell!  The rest of the world cares not at all  Whether your Pres. stays or does a fall  It's time you voted in more females  At least they know how to cover their tails!  Our Prime Minister, name of Jenny  Does a great job (doesn't she get any?) Leading the opposition we have Helen  Women CAN lead and they do it so well [grin!]            FITNESS FAD I don't want to stop surfing but the gym is calling Oh why do I go when I find exercise appalling? I only do circuits 'cos I'm awaiting my daughter  She does aerobics like the rest of us oughta I just suffer and strain to sculpt some muscle I used to do paperwork while she did the hussle It helps me cope with stress...well it does, a bit Especially when the mirror reflects someone so fit   SMOKE FREE Be a winner not a loser 'Cos a winner is a chooser ……So let's all choose to be           SMOKE FREE ! There'll ALWAYS be losers - could BE chick or bloke Who can't WAIT to light up, their VERY first smoke They THINK that the danger is ALL just a joke They THINK it's no worse than just DRINKing a coke They DON'T even care when the SMOKE makes them choke ! YES ! Now is the time  To join in and rhyme Be brave and say I'M SMOKE FREE But IF you're a loser and YOU smoke a fag You'll ONLY be proving that YOU'RE a real drag Your BREATH'll be making the OTHER'S all gag And YOU will soon look like a WRINKLED old hag 'Cos SMOKE-sucking miserable MOUTH muscles sag!                SPELLWRITE Cyberspace has changed the English word Now it's spelled just how it's heard And should anyone even care? So long as the writer's intent is clear? I move spelling critiques forever deferred     ACCOUNTANTS There once was a counter: Abacus Who never did take account-a-this: When you add-a the credit You gotta remove-a the debit The whole counterpoint he did miss SUMMER FRUIT    There's nothing quite like a Black Doris plum    It's big and juicy and dark crimson    It fits inside a curving hand    It drips so much, to eat you stand    You need to lean on a forward slant    (Unless you want to stain your pant)     But whatever eating style you choose     It must be better than winter stews