A Non-tense Rhyme
I don't observe the holiday,
(What an iconoclast!)
But I'm told for Christmas kids got
Simpler presents in the past.
And they tell me that the Christmases
Of bygone days were pleasant,
But how am I to know,
For in the past, I wasn't present!
Press Here
The President entered the room,
Impressing with his presence,
And said "No interviews today,
Get all of the darned Press hence !"
His minions chucked them out
The Press were disappointed,
"You shan't get any press henceforth,
You rotten, unanointed !"
The President's near advisors
Thought this a serious threat,
Needing all publicity
The President could get.
"Call a reporters' conference,
Promise them all presents,
The men will get some sheilas
Whom the boss has used for pleasance."
"The Ladies of the Press will each
Receive a private tryst
Whereat the President may act
Like a polygamist."
We aren't yet a republic here,
From where this poem's sent,
Wherefor you'll understand
This was no local President.
le fantôme amical
Christmas Spirit
Santa's elves are busy now
In their Elf Workshop
Making presents for the kids
Not allowed to stop
Many years ago they struck
(Striking in the past)
Elves were hoping Santa would
Let them rest at last
"Santa's getting on" they said
"Strike, he might give in"
Santa knew their weakness though:
Elves were given gin
Now each year the elves work on
Never do they pause
Loaded up with faithfulness
Re-LOAD-gin: Santa's Cause
Dense
Christmas Spirit
Speaking of Christmas Spirit
And impending Bugs of 2K,
I went and laid in a supply
Of festive liquor today.
If computers blow up
Or just go on the blink,
I'll be independent
With plenty to drink !
I bought the lot at my club,
Where I can get any amount,
And, when it exceeds one hundred dollars,
I get ten per cent as discount.
That's about seventy dollars Canadian,
Which may interest Gerry and fig,
Who both reside there with their dollars,
Though the distance between them is big.
le fantôme amical
Viruses are Coming !!
'Twas Yuletide and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble on the Net ;
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the hackers us beset.
Over the next two weeks or so,
To us there will be dealt
A welter of 2K viruses
To make our 'putors melt.
Update the definitions
For Norton's Anti-V
And, grudgingly, I add, update
That thing by McAffee.
In addition, if you use it,
Please ensure you have got
The latest of that good old
DOS A-V programme, F-Prot.
Do not download screen-savers
Nor anything unknown ;
Don't open e-mail attachments
'Til virus-free they're shown.
Take all of these precautions
And, hopefully, don't risk
The untoward formatting
Of the drives on your hard disk.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son,
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch !
Beware the viruses and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch !
le fantôme amical
Wabberjocky
After writing "Jabberwocky"
Lewis Carroll felt quite cocky,
So he thought it would be pleasant
To go shopping for a present.
Knowing that the Christmas season,
Was perhaps the only reason
People donned their gay apparel,
He went out in just a barrel.
Gerry
I Saw It On The TV, Mum
I saw it on the TV, Mum
A doll just like a Dad
He's got his own newspaper
And he keeps on getting mad
If you pull his paper down
He makes a growling noise
I think that doll's a must to have
Amongst all my new toys
I saw it on the TV, Mum
A doll just like my sis'
She comes with padlock for her room
She hits and doesn't miss
If you try to break the lock
Her face turns very red
She shouts and raises up her arms
And hits you on the head
I saw it on the TV, Mum
A doll just like my brother
He practises karate kicks
And aims them at his mother
He isn't very tidy and
He comes with muddy clothes
And when you speak he blocks his ears
And tries to fake a doze
I saw it on the TV Mum
A doll just like a mother
She comes with prop to hold her up
And still holds up another
She holds a band-aid in one hand
Some tissues in her pocket
When anybody has a fall
She's there just like a rocket
I saw it on the TV Mum
This nuclear family
I want to teach them manners
So they live more peacefully
An awesome present, just for me
Please buy this Christmas gift
I saw it on the TV Mum
I hope you get my drift!
Sharon
Tradition Sedition
Poor Santa was having a very bad day
Preparing his sack full of toys for the sleigh
The sack was too full
When he tried to pull
Forgetting how much modern toys make it weigh
His bones seemed to click as he tugged on the sack
And when he tried standing he heard a loud crack!
He let out a yelp
And then he cried "Help!"
"My belly is squashed,! Can't straighten my back!"
Now bent almost double poor Santa set out
To harness the reindeer who scampered about
They thought it was fun
To make Santa run
Which worsened his temper, there can be no doubt!
An angel looked down seeing Santa give in
And worried as Santa poured out a large gin A drink is all right
Just 'one for the flight'
But bad-tempered Santa? A 'saint' doesn't sin!
I must find a tree, that will bring him some cheer"
The angel thought, watching Saint Nick turn to beer
He knocked on the door
"Open up, I implore!"
"I've brought you a gift, adorning we 'll share!"
The angel was holding the Christmas tree flat
But Santa was bent and saw only doormat
A branch poked his eye
And made Santa cry:
"I'll tell you right now, where you can stick that!"
Dense
Past Present
A paper-knife upon my desk,
A present long ago,
Has a polished mild steel blade,
Five-and-a-half inches or so.
The handle, plates on either side
Of glittering paua shell
(Or abalone, if you wish)
Is picturesque, as well.
In one edge of the handle
Resides a small, sharp blade,
Whilst, in the other, scissors live,
As small as ever made.
It's good for opening letters
And cutting bits of string ;
Apart from that it's just a
Very pretty-looking thing.
le fantôme amical
At Present
At present, just past 1 a.m.
On 21st of Dec.,
I try to think of something new,
With which, you guys, to bless.
Perhaps a dissertation
On Bug of Y2K,
Which ought to be forthcoming
In a neat ten-day.
For those who don't already know
I'll now try to explain
How lazy flamin' programmers
Have caused this useless pain.
They wrote accounting programmes,
And other things with dates,
Allowing for two-digit years,
Which logic abnegates.
And that is where they left it,
Foresight truly lacking,
And, in some cases, they were blessed
With very highest backing.
What they missed, it seems to me,
Was providing for a century,
Pick a date to work from then
No date needs to be mistaken.
Suppose it's 1980, then,
In the code you say,
If the year is more than 80,
Add 1900 straightaway ;
But, if it's less than 81,
Add 2000 to it,
Thus computers, easily,
The dates can then intuit.
Of course, by twenty-eighty,
You have to change the code ;
By then, I guess, there will be
Better programmes to download.
I know this doesn't cover
All needs for distant dates ;
For those who're disappointed,
Saharan trees may fill your plates.
f.a.
Return to the Poets' PortaLoo Archives Menu