Make your own free website on
Presents /Presence

 A Non-tense Rhyme

       I don't observe the holiday,
       (What an iconoclast!)
       But I'm told for Christmas kids got
       Simpler presents in the past.

       And they tell me that the Christmases
       Of bygone days were pleasant,
       But how am I to know,
       For in the past, I wasn't present!

Press Here

       The President entered the room,
       Impressing with his presence,
       And said "No interviews today,
       Get all of the darned Press hence !"

       His minions chucked them out
       The Press were disappointed,
       "You shan't get any press henceforth,
       You rotten, unanointed !"

       The President's near advisors
       Thought this a serious threat,
       Needing all publicity
       The President could get.

       "Call a reporters' conference,
       Promise them all presents,
       The men will get some sheilas
       Whom the boss has used for pleasance."

       "The Ladies of the Press will each
       Receive a private tryst
       Whereat the President may act
       Like a polygamist."

       We aren't yet a republic here,
       From where this poem's sent,
       Wherefor you'll understand
       This was no local President.

       le fantôme amical

Christmas Spirit

       Santa's elves are busy now
       In their Elf Workshop
       Making presents for the kids
       Not allowed to stop

       Many years ago they struck
       (Striking in the past)
       Elves were hoping Santa would
       Let them rest at last

       "Santa's getting on" they said
       "Strike, he might give in"
       Santa knew their weakness though:
       Elves were given gin

       Now each year the elves work on
       Never do they pause
       Loaded up with faithfulness
       Re-LOAD-gin: Santa's Cause


Christmas Spirit

      Speaking of Christmas Spirit
      And impending Bugs of 2K,
      I went and laid in a supply
      Of festive liquor today.

      If computers blow up
      Or just go on the blink,
      I'll be independent
      With plenty to drink !

      I bought the lot at my club,
      Where I can get any amount,
      And, when it exceeds one hundred dollars,
      I get ten per cent as discount.

      That's about seventy dollars Canadian,
      Which may interest Gerry and fig,
      Who both reside there with their dollars,
      Though the distance between them is big.

      le fantôme amical

Viruses are Coming !!

      'Twas Yuletide and the slithy toves
      Did gyre and gimble on the Net ;
      All mimsy were the borogroves,
      And the hackers us beset.

      Over the next two weeks or so,
      To us there will be dealt
      A welter of 2K viruses
      To make our 'putors melt.

      Update the definitions
      For Norton's Anti-V
      And, grudgingly, I add, update
      That thing by McAffee.

      In addition, if you use it,
      Please ensure you have got
      The latest of that good old
      DOS A-V programme, F-Prot.

      Do not download screen-savers
      Nor anything unknown ;
      Don't open e-mail attachments
      'Til virus-free they're shown.

      Take all of these precautions
      And, hopefully, don't risk
      The untoward formatting
      Of the drives on your hard disk.

      Beware the Jabberwock, my son,
      The jaws that bite, the claws that catch !
      Beware the viruses and shun
      The frumious Bandersnatch !

      le fantôme amical


      After writing "Jabberwocky"
      Lewis Carroll felt quite cocky,
      So he thought it would be pleasant
      To go shopping for a present.

      Knowing that the Christmas season,
      Was perhaps the only reason
      People donned their gay apparel,
      He went out in just a barrel.


I Saw It On The TV, Mum

      I saw it on the TV, Mum
      A doll just like a Dad
      He's got his own newspaper
      And he keeps on getting mad
      If you pull his paper down
      He makes a growling noise
      I think that doll's a must to have
      Amongst all my new toys

      I saw it on the TV, Mum
      A doll just like my sis'
      She comes with padlock for her room
      She hits and doesn't miss
      If you try to break the lock
      Her face turns very red
      She shouts and raises up her arms
      And hits you on the head

      I saw it on the TV, Mum
      A doll just like my brother
      He practises karate kicks
      And aims them at his mother
      He isn't very tidy and
      He comes with muddy clothes
      And when you speak he blocks his ears
      And tries to fake a doze

      I saw it on the TV Mum
      A doll just like a mother
      She comes with prop to hold her up
      And still holds up another
      She holds a band-aid in one hand
      Some tissues in her pocket
      When anybody has a fall
      She's there just like a rocket

      I saw it on the TV Mum
      This nuclear family
      I want to teach them manners
      So they live more peacefully
      An awesome present, just for me
      Please buy this Christmas gift
      I saw it on the TV Mum
      I hope you get my drift!


Tradition Sedition

      Poor Santa was having a very bad day
      Preparing his sack full of toys for the sleigh
      The sack was too full
      When he tried to pull
      Forgetting how much modern toys make it weigh

      His bones seemed to click as he tugged on the sack
      And when he tried standing he heard a loud crack!
      He let out a yelp
      And then he cried "Help!"
      "My belly is squashed,! Can't straighten my back!"

      Now bent almost double poor Santa set out
      To harness the reindeer who scampered about
      They thought it was fun
      To make Santa run
      Which worsened his temper, there can be no doubt!

      An angel looked down seeing Santa give in
      And worried as Santa poured out a large gin A drink is all right
      Just 'one for the flight'
      But bad-tempered Santa? A 'saint' doesn't sin!

      I must find a tree, that will bring him some cheer"
      The angel thought, watching Saint Nick turn to beer
      He knocked on the door
      "Open up, I implore!"
      "I've brought you a gift, adorning we 'll share!"

      The angel was holding the Christmas tree flat
      But Santa was bent and saw only doormat
      A branch poked his eye
      And made Santa cry:
      "I'll tell you right now, where you can stick that!"


Past Present

      A paper-knife upon my desk,
      A present long ago,
      Has a polished mild steel blade,
      Five-and-a-half inches or so.

      The handle, plates on either side
      Of glittering paua shell
      (Or abalone, if you wish)
      Is picturesque, as well.

      In one edge of the handle
      Resides a small, sharp blade,
      Whilst, in the other, scissors live,
      As small as ever made.

      It's good for opening letters
      And cutting bits of string ;
      Apart from that it's just a
      Very pretty-looking thing.

      le fantôme amical

At Present

      At present, just past 1 a.m.
      On 21st of Dec.,
      I try to think of something new,
      With which, you guys, to bless.

      Perhaps a dissertation
      On Bug of Y2K,
      Which ought to be forthcoming
      In a neat ten-day.

      For those who don't already know
      I'll now try to explain
      How lazy flamin' programmers
      Have caused this useless pain.

      They wrote accounting programmes,
      And other things with dates,
      Allowing for two-digit years,
      Which logic abnegates.

      And that is where they left it,
      Foresight truly lacking,
      And, in some cases, they were blessed
      With very highest backing.

      What they missed, it seems to me,
      Was providing for a century,
      Pick a date to work from then
      No date needs to be mistaken.

      Suppose it's 1980, then,
      In the code you say,
      If the year is more than 80,
      Add 1900 straightaway ;

      But, if it's less than 81,
      Add 2000 to it,
      Thus computers, easily,
      The dates can then intuit.

      Of course, by twenty-eighty,
      You have to change the code ;
      By then, I guess, there will be
      Better programmes to download.

      I know this doesn't cover
      All needs for distant dates ;
      For those who're disappointed,
      Saharan trees may fill your plates.


Return to the Poets' PortaLoo Archives Menu