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PETS / PESTS
 

Pets

I have a lovely doggy
She's white with black-rimmed eyes
She loves to chase our moggy
While planning it's demise

Lady D
 
 

Dental Floss

I like your lovely doggy,
Whose name, I know, is Floss.
If she fixes up your cat,
I will not give a toss.

Of course, you had a pair of cats
And one has disappeared;
I think that Flossie's innocent
And hope her name is cleared.

le fantôme amical
 
 

RE: DENTAL FLOSS

The question that comes begging here is
Do you Floss your teeth
The canines pointy up above
The molars down beneath
Here Floss Here Floss eer Och, you call
As pup stucks head in mouth
And licks the plaque from enamel
Both to the North and South
Goog gucky you are heard to praise
As tongue meets tongue within
Then pooch removed once more from bouche
You grin your silly grin

can't FIGure it out
 
 
 

Dentists

Floss the would-be labrador
Is really not too pure
She has a narrow muzzle so
She's mongrel I am sure

But even with her pointy snout
She'd never fit within
My jaws because I'll never be
A big mouth (like my kin)

Lady D
 
 

Lady D's Mouth (or This Was Inevitable)

"I'll never be a big mouth (like my kin)"
That provocation got underneath my skin!
Of course, I'm sure that's what she intended.
It's time, I think, her ill-manners were mended.

Who else but I, revered and adored by all,
Would have a daughter with a mind so small,
She'd make a crack like that about relations,
Disregarding all its permutations?

Your kin includes your cousin, Slug, and, too,
Your father's cousin's daughter, Marylou
(Not quite her name, I know, and plainly state
To get a rhyme I had to vitiate.)

Indeed, your children form part of your kin,
Your brothers, niece and nephews, to begin,
Also your aunts, both living far from you,
And thankful for it, if they ever knew
How you described each one as a big mouth,
In Auckland to the North and Christchurch to the south.

Your mother and her brother and his kids all qualify,
Their injured feelings you must find a way to mollify.
Remoter kin, like Glen and Cherry, Andrea and more
Would be delighted if you only used your mouth to snore.

However, one good thing has come of this débacle,
That puts an aura 'round my head, a veritable sparkler,
Lady D, in fear and trembling found that she would rather
Not specifically match up 'big mouth' with her father!

le fantôme amical (still)
 
 

What a lot you had to say!
I rest my case, you made my day!

Lady D
 
 
 
 

Gettin' a few licks in.

If I could use my widdle tongue
To lick my whole exterior
For lots of reasons I would feel
A whole lot more superior
And chocolate, honey, chili sauce
Whatever smeared my skin
Just like the purring puddy tat
I'd lick off with a grin
I'd lick the whipped cream from my toes
I'd lick my belly clean
I'd lick my, you're just waiting for
My verse to get obscene
I'd lick the ketchup from my chest
No stain it would survive it
And now you must excuse me now
I've things to lick in private

Figger A Tivally
 
 
 

PET ?
 

T'was during summer, years ago
A family moved on out
City slickers they were then
That's all they knew about

They chose a valley in the hope
De-stressing was assured
They only lived there after work
So never were they cured

The big oldfashioned farmhouse there
Looked comfortable and cool
They found out in the winter though
It wasn't such a jewel

The land around, a grassy field
A challenge to the Mum
She planned and planted gardens and
Developed a green thumb

The grass it took the whole weekend
To mow as they soon found
But there was less and less of lawn
As gardens filled the ground

So Saturday and Sunday too
Dad mowed the field in hope
He thought one day there would be less
(The city slicker dope)

And Mum would prune and hoe and weed
Around her fledgling plants
Imagining the day when she
Might straighten up her stance

Time passed, the gardens grew so much
More space was recommended
The boundary fence was shifted out
The lawns and all extended

Then Mum got on the internet
And surfed and laughed and wrote
Dad decided there and then
He'd have a tethered goat

Lady D
 
 
 

I got slugs in my rocket and I don't know what to do with them.
 

There is no doubt a slug's a pest
Let's write about a big slug fest
With slimy trails from near and far
To where the slippery sluggies are
A slugger came from Louisville
He had a little time to kill
And then there came the slug from Doug
Who in his pocket had a drug

Trim figure
 
 
 

With the trigger in the finger
And the figger not the singer
With a dingo doing dentist on the teeth
There's a jigger of the figgy wine
That smells like ancient turpentine
With residue of custard from beneath
It's a chocolate covered lady
That is looking kinda shady
With her feet stuck in the sludge that yells, "KIWI"
Writing upwards on her kneeses
It's a sight that surely pleases
In the bathtub, before dinner, after tea

fig
 
 

RE: Chocolate Cover

If I was chocolate coated
I would need a frozen heart
Otherwise my coat would melt and
My taste would then be tart

L D
 
 

RE: Chocolate Coat

If I were chocolate-coated,
I'd think all else inferior,
Whilst I spent my waking hours
Licking my exterior.

f.a.
 
 

Sweet tarts

The taste of tart is very pleasin'
Chocolate, or without
And I don't mind if they are freezin'
I can thaw them out
I've tasted tarts from here to there
And mostly in between
Bring on those frosty chocolate tarts
I think they're kinda keen

fig newton
 
 
 

Males V Females

We had two black and cuddly cats
They were cute wee twins

One was quiet, on a diet
Made no rowdy dins

One was purry, meowy, furry
All for food of course

A nice female, a noisy male
Part of nature's force

Lady D
 
 
 

Bella

I have a budgie and her name is Bella
My Mum thinks that she just might be a fella
On Friday, Mum took her out of her cage
The cat got her then and sent Mum in a rage
The cat dropped the bird and Mum hurt her head
And I'm really glad that my budgie's not dead.

slug
 
 

Your Mum hurt her head and you worry about the budgie?
Does this mean your Mum is bird witted, or is she sluggie?

Lady D
 
 
 

That was a true story
'Twas me with the sore head
I wrote as if I was slug daughter
As I lay in my bed

slug
 
 

You are admitting to being bird witted then?
Since you are the Mum you mention?
I have a funny feeling though
That wasn't your intention

Lady D
 
 
 

Pesty Pet
 

The cat just knocked over the birdcage
The fish then jumped out of the tank
When Blackie went fishing for goldfish
The fish thought that fishing just stank

I picked up the bird who was panting
A fright he did get that's for sure
The fish thrown back in were still moving
The cat looked decidedly pure

Such an innocent look that she gave
Greasing and purring around me
How could I scold that sweet naive cat
Conning me now, so expertly?

slug
 

Never Figget
 

       When I was somewhat younger
       And the kids were all at school,
       We had a cat about the house
       Over which they'd drool.

       Black and slightly scrawny,
       It fair got on my wick;
       It could have had the pillion seat
       On any witch broom-stick.

       When it wandered in my path,
       I'd 'nudge' it with my shoe
       And it turned baleful eyes on me
       And claws like daggers drew.

       We understood each other;
       If it had found me dead,
       I'm sure it would have promptly
       Chewed off half my head.

       But, on a day, the best befell,
       I came home in my car
       And, lying in the garage,
       Not marked nor bearing scar,
       The cat lay dead, I found a spade
       And put it where the worms parade.

       le fantôme amical
 
 

Catastrophic

      The cat you buried is not there
      Not nail, tail, tooth, nor hair
      The paws and claws have scrabbled free
      From that bleak wormy destiny
      The claws are sharp, the teeth they gleam
      The purr is loud as puss does scheme
      Yes real and true the cat survives
      Not only that, with 6 more lives
      The kitty was just fast asleep
      When you did bury it so deep
      So now old pussums waits it's turn
      'Til you're asleep, and then you'll learn

      Disfiggered
 

Re: Catastrophic

      Not only was it dead, dead, dead
      But, as our Latin master taught us,
      That repulsive feline thing
      Was deep in rigor mortis.

      le fantôme
 

Re: Re: Catastrophic

      The cat was drunk and quite arthritic
      Very much like me
      Another twenty minutes and
      It would have rose to pee
      It's fortunate you didn't fling
      The norm, six feet of dirt
      The paltry blanket that you laid
      Did not do too much hurt
      But I must warn all far and near
      To lock up when you sleep
      Somewhere when you are drunk and stiff
      It might be trouble deep
 

      figger mortice
 

The Only Good Pussy .....
 

       Though thoughts had often filled my head
       That I should make that cat go dead,
       I must assure my LadyD-aughter
       I didn't even do catslaughter.

       And notwithstanding Fig's idea
       Of spectral fangs and claws too near,
       Even had it been a tom,
       It wouldn't scare le brave fantôme.

       le fantôme amical
 
 
 

  I got slugs in my rocket and I don't know what to do with them.
 

       I'll be a pest if I answer you
       I'll be a pest if I don't
       The mere idea of a big slug fest!
       I won't attend, I won't!

       What if slug bait was strewn around?
       What if birds appeared in a horde?
       What if the poor slugs took the bait?
       This a risk I couldn't afford

       I'd have to work out which end was which
       If I was the only slug on earth
       I'd have to continue the sluggan race
       Yikes! I might even have to give birth!

       I won't slime around you, I won't come near
       So please, I implore, no slug fest tonight
       I won't be a bug, won't have any drug
       I'll get out of your rocket, I won't be in sight!
 

       slug
 

mother slugger
 

      But wouldn't it be wonderful
      To be the mother of
      A whole entire sluggish race
      Concieved in sluggish love
      Queen mother slug, reciever of
      The choicest rotten fruits
      Allowed to languish in amongst
      The slimiest of roots
      'Twould be a slugs rare fantasy
      The rarest slimer's prize
      I fear that now I've made you plot
      The other slugs' demise
      That any day you'll raise the signs
      The slug fest is this way
      Then out among the whispering pines
      Slug corpses will decay
      While you sit quiet, bide your time
      And paint your sluggy face
      Until you can raise from your crime
      The master sluggy race

      figticious
 

Pestilential Proclivities

        Envision an obese, bloated slug
       In the garden, that you dug,
       Slithering off in slimy state,
       Its objective to procreate.

       Imagine, awful 'though it be,
       A pregnant slug's posterity.
       Dozens of sluglets churning there,
       Wondering, all, when they may pair.

       le fantôme-baveux amical
 
 
 
 
 

  Gettin' a few licks in.

       If I could use my widdle tongue
       To lick my whole exterior
       For lots of reasons I would feel
       A whole lot more superior
       And chocolate, honey, chili sauce
       Whatever smeared my skin
       Just like the purring puddy tat
       I'd lick off with a grin
       I'd lick the whipped cream from my toes
       I'd lick my belly clean
       I'd lick my, you're just waiting for
       My verse to get obscene
       I'd lick the ketchup from my chest
       No stain it would survive it
       And now you must excuse me now
       I've things to lick in private
 

       Figger A Tivally
 
 
 

  One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (It happened tonight!)
 

       Our bird has gone cuckoo
       A bungy chord the culprit
       Or should I say, "Miss four year old!"
       From the kitchen pulpit

       She got the chord and linked it to
       The washing trolley one side
       The other side connected to
       The birdcage stand and wide-eyed

       She pushed the trolley, birdcage fell
       Poor Billy tumbled down
       Seed and water gushing forth
       Rach laughin' like a clown

       Now dinner was well on its way
       But duty called to clean
       The seed and water, oh so much
       To leave it we weren't keen

       The bird got out, his cage spring-cleaned
       He landed on the TV
       He pooped himself with fright on that
       Relieved himself with glee

       So Billy's now a blithering heap
       A shaky feathered cuckoo
       The chimney's gone, that's a relief
       He can't fly up the flue

      I think the knock damaged his brain
       I think he's very wary
       Coz living in this house of ours
       Is often very hairy

       (Ode to a budgie)
 

       slug
 

Re: One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (It happened tonight!)
 

      A budgie and a bungee
      And the kitchen gettin' grungy
      And the kids are really hungry, wanna feed
      All a'slippin' and a'slidin'
      While the bird they are deridin'
      I'd be decidin' feed the kids the seed
      The four year old
      Is ever bold
      No good it does to scold and scold
      You never get a really good reaction
      Be careful and my warning heed
      You watch out for the rolling seed
      Don't wanna see you endin' up in traction
 
 

THE PIED PIPER...our school show

       Rats! Rats! Rats! Rats!
       Townsfolk scatter, rodents clatter
       Around and over the stage

       The soloist song, carries on
       Rats hover (the 'wings', their cage)

       Chorus again, rats all reign
       Actors pretend their rage

       "Exterminator!" call rat haters
       "Pay a pied piper a wage!"

       ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
       Pied Piper came, to loud aclaim
       Hypnotising the rats

       Follow along, to Piper's song
       Drown leaving only their stat.s

       Step in 'river' (Smoke haze!) Shiver
       Waiting for final call backs

       Rat leader cool, makes the crowd drool
       Lamenting his lost rat packs

       ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
       Mayor gets greedy, Piper is needy
       No one'll pay his arrears

       Piper plays tune, children all swoon
       Crippled boy's song brings tears

       He's just too slow others all go
       Confirms the townsfolk's fears

       Only kid left, townsfolk bereft
       (Smoke haze finally clears)

       ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
       Backstage crew, relax, say "Phew!"
       Scenery changes all done

       Sad sort of tale, when payments fail
       Neither Piper nor townsfolk won

       Spotlight roves, on cast in droves
       Last finishing song is sung

       Lead singers bow, it's over now
       It's sad but we really had fun!

       Lady D
 

Gus the Rodent Ghost

       We took the chimney out
       Brick by brick by brick
       You'd never guess what we found there
       A rat, so very sick

       So sick it died last century
       Or so it seems to us
       Its wizened body shrunken
       Now we have named it Gus

       A fossil, yellowed skeleton
       Stuck hidden in the wall
       Our four year old's so scared of it
       It takes a lot of gall

       To pick it up, get rid of it
       This rodent's sad remains
       We cannot leave that thing in there
       A Gus-rodent's cremains

       slug/Ginny combo
 

Re: Gus the Rodent Ghost

      One should proceed slowly
      He may be quite holy
      This scrawny old bedraggled rat
      And as for the "He's dead"
      Is that what the Doc. said?
      Or something right out of your hat?
      It could be he's testing
      Or even just resting
      Pretending that he is a bat
      Or better yet hiding
      A warm hole residing
      Away from the path of the cat
      Have you done rejection
      Of astral projection
      As reason for Gus there like that?
      Or just anorexic
      Of your cooking got sick
      Could be why he lays there like that
      He could be just thinking
      Perhaps he's been drinking
      Some cheap potent beer that was flat
      Awaiting his steady
      Who's so slow getting ready
      Those females are never there stat
      I hope I can reach you
      Oh please, I beseech you
      To Gus leave out your welcome mat
      That rodent so holy
      May one day, so slowly
      Slink up to your side for a pat
 fig
 
 

Re: Re: Gus the Rodent Ghost

      Gus, the ghostly rodent
      Lingers by the sink
      His tale is long,
      His teeth are sharp
      His eyes are glarin' pink
      Oh
      Gus, the ghostly rodent
      Lingers by the sink
      His tale is long,
      His teeth are sharp
      His eyes are glarin' pink

      Little fig the farmer
      Loved that rascal gus
      Putrid sores and nicks and all
      Blood and guts and puss
      Dead rats live forever
      So do silly cats
      Hiding in the sooty spots
      In the dark like bats
      Yeah
      Gus, the ghostly rodent
      Lingers by the sink
      His tale is long,
      His teeth are sharp
      His eyes are glarin' pink

      It kinda goes like "Puff the Magic Dragon.

      A famous musical group
 

Gus revisited
 

       What's that I hear?
       A scuffling
       Could that be Gus?
       A snuffling?

       He's coming back to haunt us
       We took away his home
       Cannot relocate himself
       This rodent gastronome

       Can't find pickings that he likes
       Can't fill up his tummy
       Lost his pantry in the flue
       Where the food was scrummy

       Wants to live inside our fridge
       He wants to clean it up
       Wants to eat up all our grub
       ..Think I heard him hiccup
 

       slug
 
 
 

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