Pets
I have a lovely
doggy
She's white with
black-rimmed eyes
She loves to chase
our moggy
While planning
it's demise
Lady D
Dental Floss
I like your lovely
doggy,
Whose name, I
know, is Floss.
If she fixes up
your cat,
I will not give
a toss.
Of course, you
had a pair of cats
And one has disappeared;
I think that Flossie's
innocent
And hope her name
is cleared.
le fantôme
amical
RE: DENTAL FLOSS
The question that
comes begging here is
Do you Floss your
teeth
The canines pointy
up above
The molars down
beneath
Here Floss Here
Floss eer Och, you call
As pup stucks
head in mouth
And licks the
plaque from enamel
Both to the North
and South
Goog gucky you
are heard to praise
As tongue meets
tongue within
Then pooch removed
once more from bouche
You grin your
silly grin
can't FIGure it
out
Dentists
Floss the would-be
labrador
Is really not
too pure
She has a narrow
muzzle so
She's mongrel
I am sure
But even with her
pointy snout
She'd never fit
within
My jaws because
I'll never be
A big mouth (like
my kin)
Lady D
Lady D's Mouth (or This Was Inevitable)
"I'll never be
a big mouth (like my kin)"
That provocation
got underneath my skin!
Of course, I'm
sure that's what she intended.
It's time, I think,
her ill-manners were mended.
Who else but I,
revered and adored by all,
Would have a daughter
with a mind so small,
She'd make a crack
like that about relations,
Disregarding all
its permutations?
Your kin includes
your cousin, Slug, and, too,
Your father's
cousin's daughter, Marylou
(Not quite her
name, I know, and plainly state
To get a rhyme
I had to vitiate.)
Indeed, your children
form part of your kin,
Your brothers,
niece and nephews, to begin,
Also your aunts,
both living far from you,
And thankful for
it, if they ever knew
How you described
each one as a big mouth,
In Auckland to
the North and Christchurch to the south.
Your mother and
her brother and his kids all qualify,
Their injured
feelings you must find a way to mollify.
Remoter kin, like
Glen and Cherry, Andrea and more
Would be delighted
if you only used your mouth to snore.
However, one good
thing has come of this débacle,
That puts an aura
'round my head, a veritable sparkler,
Lady D, in fear
and trembling found that she would rather
Not specifically
match up 'big mouth' with her father!
le fantôme
amical (still)
What a lot you
had to say!
I rest my case,
you made my day!
Lady D
Gettin' a few licks in.
If I could use
my widdle tongue
To lick my whole
exterior
For lots of reasons
I would feel
A whole lot more
superior
And chocolate,
honey, chili sauce
Whatever smeared
my skin
Just like the
purring puddy tat
I'd lick off with
a grin
I'd lick the whipped
cream from my toes
I'd lick my belly
clean
I'd lick my, you're
just waiting for
My verse to get
obscene
I'd lick the ketchup
from my chest
No stain it would
survive it
And now you must
excuse me now
I've things to
lick in private
Figger A Tivally
PET ?
T'was during summer,
years ago
A family moved
on out
City slickers
they were then
That's all they
knew about
They chose a valley
in the hope
De-stressing was
assured
They only lived
there after work
So never were
they cured
The big oldfashioned
farmhouse there
Looked comfortable
and cool
They found out
in the winter though
It wasn't such
a jewel
The land around,
a grassy field
A challenge to
the Mum
She planned and
planted gardens and
Developed a green
thumb
The grass it took
the whole weekend
To mow as they
soon found
But there was
less and less of lawn
As gardens filled
the ground
So Saturday and
Sunday too
Dad mowed the
field in hope
He thought one
day there would be less
(The city slicker
dope)
And Mum would prune
and hoe and weed
Around her fledgling
plants
Imagining the
day when she
Might straighten
up her stance
Time passed, the
gardens grew so much
More space was
recommended
The boundary fence
was shifted out
The lawns and
all extended
Then Mum got on
the internet
And surfed and
laughed and wrote
Dad decided there
and then
He'd have a tethered
goat
Lady D
I got slugs in
my rocket and I don't know what to do with them.
There is no doubt
a slug's a pest
Let's write about
a big slug fest
With slimy trails
from near and far
To where the slippery
sluggies are
A slugger came
from Louisville
He had a little
time to kill
And then there
came the slug from Doug
Who in his pocket
had a drug
Trim figure
With the trigger
in the finger
And the figger
not the singer
With a dingo doing
dentist on the teeth
There's a jigger
of the figgy wine
That smells like
ancient turpentine
With residue of
custard from beneath
It's a chocolate
covered lady
That is looking
kinda shady
With her feet
stuck in the sludge that yells, "KIWI"
Writing upwards
on her kneeses
It's a sight that
surely pleases
In the bathtub,
before dinner, after tea
fig
RE: Chocolate Cover
If I was chocolate
coated
I would need a
frozen heart
Otherwise my coat
would melt and
My taste would
then be tart
L D
RE: Chocolate Coat
If I were chocolate-coated,
I'd think all
else inferior,
Whilst I spent
my waking hours
Licking my exterior.
f.a.
Sweet tarts
The taste of tart
is very pleasin'
Chocolate, or
without
And I don't mind
if they are freezin'
I can thaw them
out
I've tasted tarts
from here to there
And mostly in
between
Bring on those
frosty chocolate tarts
I think they're
kinda keen
fig newton
Males V Females
We had two black
and cuddly cats
They were cute
wee twins
One was quiet,
on a diet
Made no rowdy
dins
One was purry,
meowy, furry
All for food of
course
A nice female,
a noisy male
Part of nature's
force
Lady D
Bella
I have a budgie
and her name is Bella
My Mum thinks
that she just might be a fella
On Friday, Mum
took her out of her cage
The cat got her
then and sent Mum in a rage
The cat dropped
the bird and Mum hurt her head
And I'm really
glad that my budgie's not dead.
slug
Your Mum hurt her
head and you worry about the budgie?
Does this mean
your Mum is bird witted, or is she sluggie?
Lady D
That was a true
story
'Twas me with
the sore head
I wrote as if
I was slug daughter
As I lay in my
bed
slug
You are admitting
to being bird witted then?
Since you are
the Mum you mention?
I have a funny
feeling though
That wasn't your
intention
Lady D
Pesty Pet
The cat just knocked
over the birdcage
The fish then
jumped out of the tank
When Blackie went
fishing for goldfish
The fish thought
that fishing just stank
I picked up the
bird who was panting
A fright he did
get that's for sure
The fish thrown
back in were still moving
The cat looked
decidedly pure
Such an innocent
look that she gave
Greasing and purring
around me
How could I scold
that sweet naive cat
Conning me now,
so expertly?
slug
Never Figget
When I was somewhat younger
And the kids were all at school,
We had a cat about the house
Over which they'd drool.
Black and slightly scrawny,
It fair got on my wick;
It could have had the pillion seat
On any witch broom-stick.
When it wandered in my path,
I'd 'nudge' it with my shoe
And it turned baleful eyes on me
And claws like daggers drew.
We understood each other;
If it had found me dead,
I'm sure it would have promptly
Chewed off half my head.
But, on a day, the best befell,
I came home in my car
And, lying in the garage,
Not marked nor bearing scar,
The cat lay dead, I found a spade
And put it where the worms parade.
le fantôme amical
Catastrophic
The cat you buried is not there
Not nail, tail, tooth, nor hair
The paws and claws have scrabbled free
From that bleak wormy destiny
The claws are sharp, the teeth they gleam
The purr is loud as puss does scheme
Yes real and true the cat survives
Not only that, with 6 more lives
The kitty was just fast asleep
When you did bury it so deep
So now old pussums waits it's turn
'Til you're asleep, and then you'll learn
Disfiggered
Re: Catastrophic
Not only was it dead, dead, dead
But, as our Latin master taught us,
That repulsive feline thing
Was deep in rigor mortis.
le fantôme
Re: Re: Catastrophic
The cat was drunk and quite arthritic
Very much like me
Another twenty minutes and
It would have rose to pee
It's fortunate you didn't fling
The norm, six feet of dirt
The paltry blanket that you laid
Did not do too much hurt
But I must warn all far and near
To lock up when you sleep
Somewhere when you are drunk and stiff
It might be trouble deep
figger mortice
The Only Good Pussy
.....
Though thoughts had often filled my head
That I should make that cat go dead,
I must assure my LadyD-aughter
I didn't even do catslaughter.
And notwithstanding Fig's idea
Of spectral fangs and claws too near,
Even had it been a tom,
It wouldn't scare le brave fantôme.
le fantôme amical
I got slugs
in my rocket and I don't know what to do with them.
I'll be a pest if I answer you
I'll be a pest if I don't
The mere idea of a big slug fest!
I won't attend, I won't!
What if slug bait was strewn around?
What if birds appeared in a horde?
What if the poor slugs took the bait?
This a risk I couldn't afford
I'd have to work out which end was which
If I was the only slug on earth
I'd have to continue the sluggan race
Yikes! I might even have to give birth!
I won't slime around you, I won't come near
So please, I implore, no slug fest tonight
I won't be a bug, won't have any drug
I'll get out of your rocket, I won't be in sight!
slug
mother slugger
But wouldn't it be wonderful
To be the mother of
A whole entire sluggish race
Concieved in sluggish love
Queen mother slug, reciever of
The choicest rotten fruits
Allowed to languish in amongst
The slimiest of roots
'Twould be a slugs rare fantasy
The rarest slimer's prize
I fear that now I've made you plot
The other slugs' demise
That any day you'll raise the signs
The slug fest is this way
Then out among the whispering pines
Slug corpses will decay
While you sit quiet, bide your time
And paint your sluggy face
Until you can raise from your crime
The master sluggy race
figticious
Pestilential Proclivities
Envision an obese, bloated slug
In the garden, that you dug,
Slithering off in slimy state,
Its objective to procreate.
Imagine, awful 'though it be,
A pregnant slug's posterity.
Dozens of sluglets churning there,
Wondering, all, when they may pair.
le fantôme-baveux amical
Gettin' a few licks in.
If I could use my widdle tongue
To lick my whole exterior
For lots of reasons I would feel
A whole lot more superior
And chocolate, honey, chili sauce
Whatever smeared my skin
Just like the purring puddy tat
I'd lick off with a grin
I'd lick the whipped cream from my toes
I'd lick my belly clean
I'd lick my, you're just waiting for
My verse to get obscene
I'd lick the ketchup from my chest
No stain it would survive it
And now you must excuse me now
I've things to lick in private
Figger A Tivally
One flew
over the Cuckoo's Nest (It happened tonight!)
Our bird has gone cuckoo
A bungy chord the culprit
Or should I say, "Miss four year old!"
From the kitchen pulpit
She got the chord and linked it to
The washing trolley one side
The other side connected to
The birdcage stand and wide-eyed
She pushed the trolley, birdcage fell
Poor Billy tumbled down
Seed and water gushing forth
Rach laughin' like a clown
Now dinner was well on its way
But duty called to clean
The seed and water, oh so much
To leave it we weren't keen
The bird got out, his cage spring-cleaned
He landed on the TV
He pooped himself with fright on that
Relieved himself with glee
So Billy's now a blithering heap
A shaky feathered cuckoo
The chimney's gone, that's a relief
He can't fly up the flue
I think the knock damaged his brain
I think he's very wary
Coz living in this house of ours
Is often very hairy
(Ode to a budgie)
slug
Re: One flew over
the Cuckoo's Nest (It happened tonight!)
A budgie and a bungee
And the kitchen gettin' grungy
And the kids are really hungry, wanna feed
All a'slippin' and a'slidin'
While the bird they are deridin'
I'd be decidin' feed the kids the seed
The four year old
Is ever bold
No good it does to scold and scold
You never get a really good reaction
Be careful and my warning heed
You watch out for the rolling seed
Don't wanna see you endin' up in traction
THE PIED PIPER...our school show
Rats! Rats! Rats! Rats!
Townsfolk scatter, rodents clatter
Around and over the stage
The soloist song, carries on
Rats hover (the 'wings', their cage)
Chorus again, rats all reign
Actors pretend their rage
"Exterminator!" call rat haters
"Pay a pied piper a wage!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Pied Piper came, to loud aclaim
Hypnotising the rats
Follow along, to Piper's song
Drown leaving only their stat.s
Step in 'river' (Smoke haze!) Shiver
Waiting for final call backs
Rat leader cool, makes the crowd drool
Lamenting his lost rat packs
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mayor gets greedy, Piper is needy
No one'll pay his arrears
Piper plays tune, children all swoon
Crippled boy's song brings tears
He's just too slow others all go
Confirms the townsfolk's fears
Only kid left, townsfolk bereft
(Smoke haze finally clears)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Backstage crew, relax, say "Phew!"
Scenery changes all done
Sad sort of tale, when payments fail
Neither Piper nor townsfolk won
Spotlight roves, on cast in droves
Last finishing song is sung
Lead singers bow, it's over now
It's sad but we really had fun!
Lady D
Gus the Rodent Ghost
We took the chimney out
Brick by brick by brick
You'd never guess what we found there
A rat, so very sick
So sick it died last century
Or so it seems to us
Its wizened body shrunken
Now we have named it Gus
A fossil, yellowed skeleton
Stuck hidden in the wall
Our four year old's so scared of it
It takes a lot of gall
To pick it up, get rid of it
This rodent's sad remains
We cannot leave that thing in there
A Gus-rodent's cremains
slug/Ginny combo
Re: Gus the Rodent Ghost
One should proceed slowly
He may be quite holy
This scrawny old bedraggled rat
And as for the "He's dead"
Is that what the Doc. said?
Or something right out of your hat?
It could be he's testing
Or even just resting
Pretending that he is a bat
Or better yet hiding
A warm hole residing
Away from the path of the cat
Have you done rejection
Of astral projection
As reason for Gus there like that?
Or just anorexic
Of your cooking got sick
Could be why he lays there like that
He could be just thinking
Perhaps he's been drinking
Some cheap potent beer that was flat
Awaiting his steady
Who's so slow getting ready
Those females are never there stat
I hope I can reach you
Oh please, I beseech you
To Gus leave out your welcome mat
That rodent so holy
May one day, so slowly
Slink up to your side for a pat
fig
Re: Re: Gus the Rodent Ghost
Gus, the ghostly rodent
Lingers by the sink
His tale is long,
His teeth are sharp
His eyes are glarin' pink
Oh
Gus, the ghostly rodent
Lingers by the sink
His tale is long,
His teeth are sharp
His eyes are glarin' pink
Little fig the farmer
Loved that rascal gus
Putrid sores and nicks and all
Blood and guts and puss
Dead rats live forever
So do silly cats
Hiding in the sooty spots
In the dark like bats
Yeah
Gus, the ghostly rodent
Lingers by the sink
His tale is long,
His teeth are sharp
His eyes are glarin' pink
It kinda goes like "Puff the Magic Dragon.
A famous musical group
Gus revisited
What's that I hear?
A scuffling
Could that be Gus?
A snuffling?
He's coming back to haunt us
We took away his home
Cannot relocate himself
This rodent gastronome
Can't find pickings that he likes
Can't fill up his tummy
Lost his pantry in the flue
Where the food was scrummy
Wants to live inside our fridge
He wants to clean it up
Wants to eat up all our grub
..Think I heard him hiccup
slug
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