Chairs to You
This page seems to be devoted to bottom plus
And, so, to Lady D we we send cheers thus:
Three chairs and a table, Hip, hip-a-potamus.
"Bottoms up", chanteur would say
Once he'd brewed his great home beer
Does he make it standing up
Or does he make it from a chair?
"Look out stomach here it comes"
Once he's drunk it, in the chair
He slumps and turns his 'putor on
And doesn't feel his derriére
Superglued onto the seat
An April Fool's Day trick is done
Now he's forced to remain seated
Writing lots of poems for fun
ergonomic bar stools
the bar stools in the club i belong to
are much too uncomfortable, tis true
but nobody seems to care too much
though they suffer from aches and such
i wish they'd get some ergonomic stools
something snazzy where comfort rules
so i'm really glad that LD created this board
and i can air this gripe that so long was stored
Chrome legs, booted in plastic
Cloned chairs, four, fantastic!
Stacking guile, one and all
Lacking style but functional!
My bottom is ecstatic
And I will tell you why
'Cos though IT can make some noises
You'd not be wanting it to try
First I must extrapolate
The background to this joy
It's embarrassing, revealing
My addiction to a toy
I'm willing to admit it
I'm often to be found
Ensconced at my computer
Addicted and hide-bound
It's the sitting there for hours
That makes my poor bum ache
On a seat of moulded plastic
Always numb, never awake
Arising, getting off it
Is a form of tortury
As pins and needles bring new life
To my backside mortuary
So what did Christmas bring me
When Santa Claus got here?
A gas-levered, shock-absorbing
Tilting back and comfy chair!
My bottom is relieved now
Going down, getting back up
'Cos this chair is super-sonic
A highly drole (-ick!) jack-up
I went to sit on a loo one day
I saw a castle along the way
And what do you think I saw in there
A Portaloo with a maiden fair
Loos are chairs where you can sit
To think of poems while you s--t
To put in embroidery or a skit
To show your wonderful bathroom wit
Big and soft, sink-in-able
That's my lazyboy
Plush-covered, oh so comfortable
My rocking, unwind-me toy!
The Bar Chairs
Seated at a table
On a pair of rickety chairs,
Sucking jugs of cider
To alleviate their cares,
There sat an elder pirate
And a fairly young seaman
(Keeping evil company
In an effort to be he-man).
The pirate had a peg-leg,
An eye-patch and a hook.
The seaman asked politely
How the pirate's leg got took.
"In a storm at sea,"
The corsair said,
"With great sharks all about,
A vast wave washed me overboard,
I gave a mighty shout.
And, as my mariners perceived
My chance of life was slim,
They hauled me back on board
But lacking somewhat of my limb."
Quite impressed, the seaman asked
"And what about your hook?"
The pirate waved his hook aloft,
It glittered in the light,
And said "That hand was cruelly lost
Amidst a ship-board fight.
Someone with a cutlass
Swipes me in the wrist
An' there, upon the deck,
I sees me hand all of a twist!"
"Incredible!" the seaman said
"And what about the patch?"
"A seagull dropped one in my eye
And made it need a scratch."
Incredulous, the seaman said
"And THAT destroyed your look?"
The pirate said "Well, yes,
It was my first day with the hook!"
le fantôme-corsaire amical
Crouching on a marble slab,
His head between his knees,
He gasped the question,
"I drank WHAT?"
Did noble Socrates.
le fantôme-grec amical
A Bear Tale
I heard of a bear that sat in a chair,
and break it he did, beyond repair.
He shook his head which ruffled his hair
and cried and bellowed as if in despair.
"Oh why", he cried, "it's just not fair,
so don't suggest that I shouldn't care.
It was my favorite paisley chair.
I'll not find another one any where."
"A paisley chair?" inquired the hare,
who had just returned from the Georgetown fair.
"Believe it or not, I saw one there.
And it would match nicely inside your lair."
So off went the bear, joined by the hare,
an odd twosome indeed in search of a chair.
And find one they did, for a price that was fair.
A paisley,in purple,that matched the bears lair.
The Judicial Bench
The Judge addressed the lawyers,
After sitting at the Bench,
"You both have tried to bribe me,
It must have been a wrench
For one to give me fifteen grand
And the other to give me ten.
Now, here is how the three of us
Are going to play this hand.."
Drawing out a cheque he gave it
To the bigger briber -
Five thousand was the sum of which
The Judge was the inscriber.
"Now," he said, "you're even,
Which should make you both aware it's
Certain that your case will be
Decided on its merits."
le fantôme-juge amical
The Park Bench
The Computer Programmer sat in the park upon a bench
Watching the passers-by and the occasional comely wench,
When, suddenly, a movement in the corner of his eye
Attracted his attention to a green frog leaping by.
To his surprise the frog came to a halt and said "Hullo".
The Programmer, taken aback, said "Here, I'd like to know
How it is that, 'though a frog, you spoke to me, just then."
The frog got somewhat agitated - settled down again
And told Computer Programmer "I really must confess
I'm not a frog but an enchanted, beautiful princess!
A wicked witch did this to me but, if you give me a kiss,
I shall regain my beauty, marry you and live in bliss,
Showering you with riches far beyond your expectations
And every day improving our technique at osculations."
The Programmer picked up the frog with care, so not to shock it,
And deliberately slipped it in his left-hand jacket pocket.
He rose, then, from the wooden bench, continued with his walk,
Until some distance down the track, there came a muffled squawk,
"Aren't you going to kiss me and restore me to my life?"
He said "I am a Programmer, with no time for a wife
But, if I keep you as you are, enjoying dialogue,
I'll think it's cool to be the owner of a talking frog!"
le fantôme-sorcier amical
Lovely to lie in...
I wonder if a hammock qualifies?
-as a chair. Can there be doubt?
There's naught about a hammock mollifies
-me, attempting to get out!
The Ducking Stool
About three hundred years ago,
When idiots believed in witches
And thought to punish them for casting spells,
They'd sentence them to ducking stools
That worked in ponds or ditches
And, if there were wells big enough,
They also worked in wells.
The ducking stool comprised a beam,
A fulcrum and a chair,
Into which you strapped the witch
Then plunged her in the water, through the air,
As many times as the judge prescribed,
In lieu of the whipping switch.
And, when the punishment was ended
Her morals amazingly now mended,
Someone would get the itch
To go and unhitch the witch.
le fantôme-bourreau amical
Said Moth to Sloth, "I do declare,
I've searched high and low for a flying chair.
One to allow me flying ease,
or let me do tricks as if on a trapeze."
"A flying chair? I would beware"
said earthbound Sloth, "as heights do scare,
but I wouldn't mind a reclining one
where I could lie still and soak up the sun".
(I was sitting in a chair, when I wrote this)
My son sent me a Xmas gift
About three years ago.
He bought it from a Nepalese,
In sight of Everest's snow.
Khukuri of the Gurkhas,
In Nepal they're rife,
An alarmingly curved-bladed
It is securely scabbarded
In thick black buffalo-hide,
Which also holds a little knife,
One's meals to divide.
And, next to that a four-inch
Piece of steel with a grip,
With which to sharpen both of them
From haft unto the tip.
The tale goes a Gurkha
Waved his khukuri at a neck,
And, when the foe said "Missed me!"
Said "Lean forward, just to check!"
They're mighty sharp, those Gurkha knives,
And one could need a wreath
If one were to persist in
Taking khukuri out of sheath.
* (Pronounced cook-ree)
le fantôme-coutelier amical
I once went into a bar
'Shockers' was its name
Getting you to drink shots
Was everybody's game.
In middle of the floor
was an "electric chair"
You'd strap yourself in it
But only if you dare!
Once strapped in the seat
they'd hand your favorite 'shot'
And ask "Are you ready?"
"Please tell me if your not".
When ready to begin
the chair would do a Flip
tilt back, vibrate, your feet go up!
Hurry...take your sip!!
I see some of you on your porch,
Sitting in the gloaming,
Attacked by midges and mosquitos,
Which are always roaming.
They'll find the cut-out crescent
In the dunny door
And enter by the thousand
And maybe thousands more.
Ginny's Lounge Chair
It was only a shanty in an old shanty town
But it had a chair where you'd set yourself down
It was only one room and we could have used more
With a crescent-shaped cutout on the front door
Swinging Porch Chairs
Have you ever wanted a swinging seat
With room enough for two?
With padding under and behind
And discreet shade cover too?
Fringes dangling from the cover
Ruffled by the breeze
Squeaking protests as you glide
Your hand towards her knees
The "Rocker" is my chair of choice
to sit in and to rest.
Gliding, oh so rhythmically
that is what I do best.
When I think of rockers,
a thought that comes to mind
is babies being held so close,
A mothers way to unwind.
Another thought that comes to mind
is grandpa in his chair
Rocking on the porch each night
His thoughts going everywhere.
A Chair for Boo Boo
Here's a chair for BooBoo
So BooBoo can grow some hair
It's for hair-growing and guitar playing
And jiving if you dare
It's not a chair for driving though
As comfy as it looks
And while BooBoo's hair is growing long
BooBoo can read some books
Since the central theme is chairs,
I see everyone comes
Because the theme of chairs allows
Unexpurgated references to dunnies
And also bums
(And that ain't tramps or vagrants
But real South-sea bums!!!)
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating mince pies.
Along came a spider
And sat down beside 'er --
Boris Karloff, in disguise!
That private place
There was a white bathroom throne
That was hardly ever alone
One after another
Sister then brother
Sat there using the portable phone
There once was a baby's high chair
That went with him everywhere
Baby dribbled and cooed
And sometimes he poohed
Thank goodness his bum wasn't bare
The deck chair is a great invention
To sit in one was my intention
Just as I sat
It folded flat
Nothing I could do for prevention!
Little Miss Cool
Sat on a stool
Eating her yoghurt and cheese
Along came her brother
So she called her mother
And blamed him for being a tease
A Chair for BooBoo
BooBoo doesn't own a chair
BooBoo doesn't have any hair
BooBoo doesn't drive a car
BooBoo doesn't play guitar
BooBoo wants to have a chair
BooBoo wants to grow some hair
BooBoo wants to learn to drive
BooBoo really wants to jive..
Let's get BooBoo a little chair
BooBoo can sit and grow some hair
BooBoo can have my old guitar...
But, BooBoo..I AIN'T BUYIN' YOU A CAR!!
A New Chair
Oh brand new chair
There's none so fair
None other even can compare
Brand new, pristine
Untouched, so clean
Will a stain soon cause a scene?
The lowly 'Chair' derives, I'm told,
From 'Cathedra', both Latin and Greek.
Cathedra is a bishop's throne;
For one who should be meek
That appears presumptuous
And takes a lot of cheek.
He keeps it in his See, you see,
So he can demonstrate
He always equalled royalty,
Crowned by his mitred pate.
The Greek at first was 'kata' (down)
Plus 'hedra' (meaning seat) --
Sounds just like one with a lid
That real people find so neat!
So there, perhaps, the bishop sits
With seat stuck up or down
Acting out his prime desire
With scarce-concealed frown,
Hoping he can shortly go
And kneel upon a hassock
After he has buttoned up
The trap-door in his cassock.
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