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Chairs to You

       This page seems to be devoted to bottom plus
       And, so, to Lady D we we send cheers thus:
       Three chairs and a table, Hip, hip-a-potamus.


Bottoms Up

       "Bottoms up", chanteur would say
       Once he'd brewed his great home beer
       Does he make it standing up
       Or does he make it from a chair?

       "Look out stomach here it comes"
       Once he's drunk it, in the chair
       He slumps and turns his 'putor on
       And doesn't feel his derriére

       Superglued onto the seat
       An April Fool's Day trick is done
       Now he's forced to remain seated
       Writing lots of poems for fun


  ergonomic bar stools

       the bar stools in the club i belong to
       are much too uncomfortable, tis true
       but nobody seems to care too much
       though they suffer from aches and such

      i wish they'd get some ergonomic stools
       something snazzy where comfort rules
       so i'm really glad that LD created this board
       and i can air this gripe that so long was stored


       Chrome legs, booted in plastic
       Cloned chairs, four, fantastic!
       Stacking guile, one and all
       Lacking style but functional!

       Lady D

  Computer Comfort

       My bottom is ecstatic
       And I will tell you why
       'Cos though IT can make some noises
       You'd not be wanting it to try

       First I must extrapolate
       The background to this joy
       It's embarrassing, revealing
       My addiction to a toy

       I'm willing to admit it
       I'm often to be found
       Ensconced at my computer
       Addicted and hide-bound

       It's the sitting there for hours
       That makes my poor bum ache
       On a seat of moulded plastic
       Always numb, never awake

       Arising, getting off it
       Is a form of tortury
       As pins and needles bring new life
       To my backside mortuary

       So what did Christmas bring me
       When Santa Claus got here?
       A gas-levered, shock-absorbing
       Tilting back and comfy chair!

       My bottom is relieved now
       Going down, getting back up
       'Cos this chair is super-sonic
       A highly drole (-ick!) jack-up

       Lady D

  Bathroom Thrones

       I went to sit on a loo one day
       I saw a castle along the way
       And what do you think I saw in there
       A Portaloo with a maiden fair

       She said:
       Loos are chairs where you can sit
       To think of poems while you s--t
       To put in embroidery or a skit
       To show your wonderful bathroom wit


 Click here to reply

  My Chair

       Big and soft, sink-in-able
       That's my lazyboy
       Plush-covered, oh so comfortable
       My rocking, unwind-me toy!

       Lady D

The Bar Chairs

       Seated at a table
       On a pair of rickety chairs,
       Sucking jugs of cider
       To alleviate their cares,
       There sat an elder pirate
       And a fairly young seaman
       (Keeping evil company
       In an effort to be he-man).

       The pirate had a peg-leg,
       An eye-patch and a hook.
       The seaman asked politely
       How the pirate's leg got took.
       "In a storm at sea,"
       The corsair said,
       "With great sharks all about,
       A vast wave washed me overboard,
       I gave a mighty shout.
       And, as my mariners perceived
       My chance of life was slim,
       They hauled me back on board
       But lacking somewhat of my limb."

       Quite impressed, the seaman asked
       "And what about your hook?"
       The pirate waved his hook aloft,
       It glittered in the light,
       And said "That hand was cruelly lost
       Amidst a ship-board fight.
       Someone with a cutlass
      Swipes me in the wrist
       An' there, upon the deck,
       I sees me hand all of a twist!"

       "Incredible!" the seaman said
       "And what about the patch?"
       "A seagull dropped one in my eye
       And made it need a scratch."
       Incredulous, the seaman said
       "And THAT destroyed your look?"
       The pirate said "Well, yes,
       It was my first day with the hook!"

       le fantôme-corsaire amical

  Marble seat

       Crouching on a marble slab,
       His head between his knees,
       He gasped the question,
       "I drank WHAT?"
       Did noble Socrates.

       le fantôme-grec amical

  A Bear Tale

       I heard of a bear that sat in a chair,
       and break it he did, beyond repair.
       He shook his head which ruffled his hair
       and cried and bellowed as if in despair.

       "Oh why", he cried, "it's just not fair,
       so don't suggest that I shouldn't care.
       It was my favorite paisley chair.
       I'll not find another one any where."

       "A paisley chair?" inquired the hare,
       who had just returned from the Georgetown fair.
       "Believe it or not, I saw one there.
       And it would match nicely inside your lair."

       So off went the bear, joined by the hare,
       an odd twosome indeed in search of a chair.
       And find one they did, for a price that was fair.
       A paisley,in purple,that matched the bears lair.


  The Judicial Bench

       The Judge addressed the lawyers,
       After sitting at the Bench,
       "You both have tried to bribe me,
       It must have been a wrench
       For one to give me fifteen grand
       And the other to give me ten.
       Now, here is how the three of us
       Are going to play this hand.."
       Drawing out a cheque he gave it
       To the bigger briber -
       Five thousand was the sum of which
       The Judge was the inscriber.
       "Now," he said, "you're even,
       Which should make you both aware it's
       Certain that your case will be
       Decided on its merits."

       le fantôme-juge amical

  The Park Bench

       The Computer Programmer sat in the park upon a bench
       Watching the passers-by and the occasional comely wench,
       When, suddenly, a movement in the corner of his eye
       Attracted his attention to a green frog leaping by.
       To his surprise the frog came to a halt and said "Hullo".
       The Programmer, taken aback, said "Here, I'd like to know
       How it is that, 'though a frog, you spoke to me, just then."
       The frog got somewhat agitated - settled down again
       And told Computer Programmer "I really must confess
       I'm not a frog but an enchanted, beautiful princess!
       A wicked witch did this to me but, if you give me a kiss,
       I shall regain my beauty, marry you and live in bliss,
       Showering you with riches far beyond your expectations
       And every day improving our technique at osculations."

       The Programmer picked up the frog with care, so not to shock it,
       And deliberately slipped it in his left-hand jacket pocket.
       He rose, then, from the wooden bench, continued with his walk,
       Until some distance down the track, there came a muffled squawk,
       "Aren't you going to kiss me and restore me to my life?"
       He said "I am a Programmer, with no time for a wife
       But, if I keep you as you are, enjoying dialogue,
       I'll think it's cool to be the owner of a talking frog!"

       le fantôme-sorcier amical

  Lovely to lie in...

       I wonder if a hammock qualifies?
       -as a chair. Can there be doubt?
       There's naught about a hammock mollifies
       -me, attempting to get out!


  The Ducking Stool

       About three hundred years ago,
       When idiots believed in witches
       And thought to punish them for casting spells,
       They'd sentence them to ducking stools
       That worked in ponds or ditches
       And, if there were wells big enough,
       They also worked in wells.

       The ducking stool comprised a beam,
       A fulcrum and a chair,
       Into which you strapped the witch
       Then plunged her in the water, through the air,
       As many times as the judge prescribed,
       In lieu of the whipping switch.
       And, when the punishment was ended
       Her morals amazingly now mended,
       Someone would get the itch
       To go and unhitch the witch.

       le fantôme-bourreau amical

 Clearly Perspective

      Said Moth to Sloth, "I do declare,
      I've searched high and low for a flying chair.
      One to allow me flying ease,
      or let me do tricks as if on a trapeze."

      "A flying chair? I would beware"
      said earthbound Sloth, "as heights do scare,
      but I wouldn't mind a reclining one
      where I could lie still and soak up the sun".


 Keep the Theme
      (I was sitting in a chair, when I wrote this)

      The Khukuri*

      My son sent me a Xmas gift
      About three years ago.
      He bought it from a Nepalese,
      In sight of Everest's snow.

      Khukuri of the Gurkhas,
      In Nepal they're rife,
      An alarmingly curved-bladed
      Sixteen-inch-long knife!

      It is securely scabbarded
      In thick black buffalo-hide,
      Which also holds a little knife,
      One's meals to divide.

      And, next to that a four-inch
      Piece of steel with a grip,
      With which to sharpen both of them
      From haft unto the tip.

      The tale goes a Gurkha
      Waved his khukuri at a neck,
      And, when the foe said "Missed me!"
      Said "Lean forward, just to check!"

      They're mighty sharp, those Gurkha knives,
      And one could need a wreath
      If one were to persist in
      Taking khukuri out of sheath.

      * (Pronounced cook-ree)

      le fantôme-coutelier amical


      I once went into a bar
      'Shockers' was its name
      Getting you to drink shots
      Was everybody's game.

      In middle of the floor
      was an "electric chair"
      You'd strap yourself in it
      But only if you dare!

      Once strapped in the seat
      they'd hand your favorite 'shot'
      And ask "Are you ready?"
      "Please tell me if your not".

      When ready to begin
      the chair would do a Flip
      tilt back, vibrate, your feet go up!
      Hurry...take your sip!!


 Romantic Evenings

      I see some of you on your porch,
      Sitting in the gloaming,
      Attacked by midges and mosquitos,
      Which are always roaming.

      They'll find the cut-out crescent
      In the dunny door
      And enter by the thousand
      And maybe thousands more.


 Ginny's Lounge Chair

      It was only a shanty in an old shanty town
      But it had a chair where you'd set yourself down
      It was only one room and we could have used more
      With a crescent-shaped cutout on the front door


 Swinging Porch Chairs

      Have you ever wanted a swinging seat
      With room enough for two?
      With padding under and behind
      And discreet shade cover too?

      Fringes dangling from the cover
      Ruffled by the breeze
      Squeaking protests as you glide
      Your hand towards her knees


      The "Rocker" is my chair of choice
      to sit in and to rest.
      Gliding, oh so rhythmically
      that is what I do best.

      When I think of rockers,
      a thought that comes to mind
      is babies being held so close,
      A mothers way to unwind.

      Another thought that comes to mind
      is grandpa in his chair
      Rocking on the porch each night
      His thoughts going everywhere.


 A Chair for Boo Boo

      Here's a chair for BooBoo
      So BooBoo can grow some hair
      It's for hair-growing and guitar playing
      And jiving if you dare

      It's not a chair for driving though
      As comfy as it looks
      And while BooBoo's hair is growing long
      BooBoo can read some books



      Since the central theme is chairs,
      I see everyone comes
      Because the theme of chairs allows
      Unexpurgated references to dunnies
      And also bums
      (And that ain't tramps or vagrants
      But real South-sea bums!!!)



      Little Miss Muffet
      Sat on a tuffet,
      Eating mince pies.
      Along came a spider
      And sat down beside 'er --
      Boris Karloff, in disguise!


 That private place

      There was a white bathroom throne
      That was hardly ever alone
      One after another
      Sister then brother
      Sat there using the portable phone

      L D

 High Chair

      There once was a baby's high chair
      That went with him everywhere
      Baby dribbled and cooed
      And sometimes he poohed
      Thank goodness his bum wasn't bare



      The deck chair is a great invention
      To sit in one was my intention
      Just as I sat
      It folded flat
      Nothing I could do for prevention!

      L D


      Little Miss Cool
      Sat on a stool
      Eating her yoghurt and cheese
      Along came her brother
      So she called her mother
      And blamed him for being a tease

      Lady D

 A Chair for BooBoo

      BooBoo doesn't own a chair
      BooBoo doesn't have any hair
      BooBoo doesn't drive a car
      BooBoo doesn't play guitar

      BooBoo wants to have a chair
      BooBoo wants to grow some hair
      BooBoo wants to learn to drive
      BooBoo really wants to jive..

      Let's get BooBoo a little chair
      BooBoo can sit and grow some hair
      BooBoo can have my old guitar...
      But, BooBoo..I AIN'T BUYIN' YOU A CAR!!

      der blumers

 A New Chair

      Oh brand new chair
      There's none so fair
      None other even can compare

      Brand new, pristine
      Untouched, so clean
      Will a stain soon cause a scene?



      The lowly 'Chair' derives, I'm told,
      From 'Cathedra', both Latin and Greek.
      Cathedra is a bishop's throne;
      For one who should be meek
      That appears presumptuous
      And takes a lot of cheek.
      He keeps it in his See, you see,
      So he can demonstrate
      He always equalled royalty,
      Crowned by his mitred pate.

      The Greek at first was 'kata' (down)
      Plus 'hedra' (meaning seat) --
      Sounds just like one with a lid
      That real people find so neat!
      So there, perhaps, the bishop sits
      With seat stuck up or down
      Acting out his prime desire
      With scarce-concealed frown,
      Hoping he can shortly go
      And kneel upon a hassock
      After he has buttoned up
      The trap-door in his cassock.


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