CHRISTMAS CRACKUPS
EMAIL TO ENGINEERING FIRM: H. & C.
FROM: CHRIS SPIRIT, SANTA'S CHAUFFEUR
SUBJECT: SLEIGH RUNNERS; SHOES

I read your ad. in the Highball News
 "Fix-it or Replace-it crews"
We have worn out reindeer shoes
So, take this order if you choose

And while I have your rapt attention
Another matter I should mention-
Sleigh runner damage from ascension
(We need a rooftop grip invention)

Is your engineering firm
Able to, my favour earn?
I know not where else I can turn
Please, Santa's order do not spurn


EMAIL TO ENGINEERING FIRM: H.&C.
FROM: CHRIS SPIRIT, FOR SANTA'S CAUSE
SUBJECT: RE RUNNERS, SHOES AND ROBOTS

Oh dear oh dear, oh woe is me
You cannot help me H. & C.?
Sleigh runners are not made by yous?
And neither are the reindeer shoes?
You came so highly recommended
But your advert.s just pretended
Santa's workshop you are not
If robot elves are all you've got.

EMAIL TO ENGINEERING FIRM:  H. & C.
FROM: CHRIS. SPIRIT, SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
SUBJECT: ROBOT ARM

A robot arm IS what I need
For gift presenting style and speed
Chimneys now are awfully thin
I've given up on climbing in
But windows often have alarms
Problem solved : ROBOTIC ARMS
I'm really quite a high-tech gent
Hence this slant on flue descent
But I'm not into 'User pays'
So ... a trial for the next few days?


EMAIL TO ENGINEERING FIRM: H. & C.
FROM: CHRIS SPIRIT, SANTA'S SOUTHERN STAND-IN
SUBJECT: ROOFTOP DELIVERY

And now for serious negotiation
Perhaps you need more explanation:
I want a loan, the chance to try
A Robot Arm that I can fly
(I will not pay until I know
It reaches where I used to go)
I need to prove no one will wake
And fragile presents will not break
A trial period, what d'you say?
The 24th? It's just one day.


EMAIL TO ENGINEERING FIRM: H. & C.
FROM: CHRIS SPIRIT, CLOUD 9
SUBJECT: ARE YOU FILLED WITH CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Santa is smiling , he's lost his frown
'Cos H & C won't let him down
A Robot Arm and reindeer shoes
And Kiwi kids won't have to lose
And as for runners for the sleigh
They will be ready by the day

When Santa's age affects his action
He calls mates in manufacturin'
But just in case by kids they're seen
Their skintone has to be elf-green
So drink up deeply, have your fill
You'll look elf-thentic if you're ill

 

 REPLIES
 

EMAIL TO CHRIS SPIRIT, MOONSHINE MEADOW
FROM: H. & C.. 
SUBJECT: RE : SLEIGH RUNNERS & SHOES

We cannot take your order 
Sadly we inform you 
Blacksmithing shoes for reindeer
Just isn't what we do

Sleigh runner grips, however
Might be designed for you
But such a project's  likely
To take a year or two

Our current undertaking
Might be of use to you
We manufacture robots
Replacement elves accrue?


EMAIL TO: CHRIS SPIRIT, COCKTAIL COUNTY
FROM: H. & C.
SUBJECT: RE : RUNNNERS, SHOES AND ROBOTS

Santa's workshop we are not
But you should look at what we've got
Robotics are the way to go
Especially when you're getting slow
Santa's been around a while
A robot arm would suit his style


EMAIL TO: CHRIS SPIRIT, WHISKY WAY, ON THE ROCKS
FROM: H. & C.
SUBJECT: RE : ROBOT ARM

Robotic arms are specialised
Expensive to create
To use them you may well require
An operator:  name the date!

And as for your requested trial
I 'm very much afraid
I shall have to give denial
Until our firm is paid


EMAIL TO: CHRIS SPIRIT, MARTINI-VILLE
FROM: H. & C.
SUBJECT: RE : ROOFTOP DELIVERY
 

One day only?  Then you'll pay?
I might somehow just find a way
To fit in with this last request
An operator, a sleigh guest-
You'll need from our robotic team...
(And travel, by reindeer, is my dream...)

If you could organise a ride
And I could sit at Santa's side
I think those reindeer shoes could be
A gift to you from H. & C.
Rooftop gripping, I'll work out
I'll dream up something there's no doubt!


 

 
SANTA'S WORKSHOP

Elves are rushing to and fro
In and out across the snow
Mass production, no, no, no!
Toys are made from go to whoa
Just one elf per toy and so...
Santa's workshop is too slow
     ~ ~ ~
For 'though they rush about a lot
And elves are always on the trot

The elves take ages with each toy
And Santa needs a speed-up ploy

For time a-plenty he has not
A long 'good children' list he's got
   ~ ~ ~
Elf toy making is an art
Change his ways might break his heart
Santa watches every part
Santa wonders where to start
Up-ing his production chart
Current methods are not smart
   ~ ~ ~
It's mass production that's the key
But how to help those elves to see?

So Santa said to one he'd watched
"Please show me parts that you have botched"

Of course the elf would not agree
No imperfection could there be
   ~ ~ ~
Santa's hopes would not be slayed
"Show the BEST part you have made!"
Santa called all elves he paid
"Stop your work!" Down tools they laid
Gathered 'round him, elves so staid
"Tell me of your skills?" he prayed
   ~ ~ ~
The elf toy makers all spoke out
Each elf preferred one part about

The process more than all the rest
Each elf declared one step the best

"Assembly lines will work, no doubt!"
Said Santa with a joyful shout
   ~ ~ ~
Santa thought he'd modernise
Elves at work with bored, blank eyes
Only making parts: unwise
Favourite skills each elf denies
Factory lie-up meets demise...
"Back to basics!" Santa sighs
   ~ ~ ~
I hope this lesson none ignores
Give robots all the work that bores

Most elves and people need some scope
Invention, challenge, vision, hope

But unlike elves' imagined chores
We're the rebels without a Claus
TRADITION SEDITION

Poor Santa was having a very bad day
Preparing his sack full of toys for the sleigh
The sack was too full
When he tried to pull
Forgetting how much modern toys make it weigh
 

His bones seemed to click as he tugged on the sack
And when he tried standing he heard a loud crack!
He let out a yelp
And then he cried "Help!"
"My belly is squashed,! Can't straighten my back!"
 

Now bent almost double poor Santa set out
To harness the reindeer who scampered about
They thought it was fun
To make Santa run
Which worsened his temper,  there can be no doubt!
 

An angel looked down seeing Santa give in
And worried as Santa poured out a large gin
A drink is all right
Just 'one for the flight'
But bad-tempered Santa? A 'saint' doesn't sin!
 

"I must find a tree, that will bring him some cheer"
The angel thought, watching Saint Nick turn to beer
He knocked on the door
"Open up, I implore!"
"I've brought you a gift, adorning we 'll share!"

The angel was holding the Christmas tree flat
But Santa was bent and saw only doormat
A branch poked his eye
And made Santa cry:
"I'll tell you right now, where you can stick that!"








 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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